It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

Do you remember, I think it was, Alice Longworth Roosevelt saying "if you don't have anything good to say, come sit by me"? Well, I've been trying the "if you don't have anything good to say, don't blog philosophy but I'm realizing that it might be weeks and weeks before I write anything if I wait. So, here I am.

I've grappled with, what I do in real life, hunker down when times get bad. I stop talking to friends and stay in my own little corner as much as possible. Well, that doesn't really work well in real life and it certainly doesn't work when I've made a commitment to write with some frequency.

The saga of my ears continues and I am at a loss as to what to do. I am secretly hoping for advice from the two or three of you who might read.

On February 20 I went to the ENT doctor one last time. I had allergy tests and then met with the doctor. She proclaimed that I had something called "mastoiditis" and had probably had it most of my life. She said that I would need a mastoidectomy and set me up with a surgeon who specializes in ears (at the "ear clinic" no less). My appointment with the specialist was set for 7:00 a.m. on February 27. I spent the week between appointments being a raving lunatic. Every time my ears twinged or I forgot a word, I thought "ok, the infection has started into my brain". (which is what she told me it would do if left unchecked). I prepared my students for the event that I might need to take a week off for surgery. I started trying to come up with the money that it would cost for the surgery. I worried 24/7 and continued to take the antibiotics prescribed (fifth antibiotic in five months).

February 27, 7:00 a.m. I went to the appointment with this specialist. My husband and I walked in, the place looks like an airport at 3:00 a.m. No one at the front desk, chairs still up on the tables and a few patients standing around filling out forms. "Oh, if only I could be one of the lucky ones who got forms to fill out", I thought. Waited. waited. waited. Being the impatient sort, I went to attempt to find someone. The place is deserted.

Finally, a woman comes to the front desk (I swear she was wiping the jelly doughnut off their mouth) and hands me a stack of paperwork, mostly making certain that the doctor would be paid and that it would be very difficult for me to sue them.

I filled out those papers (after my husband got the chairs down from a table for me), they took a copy of my insurance card, drivers license and a picture of me and sent me on my way to another waiting room. I was given another stack of papers to fill out. Again, no one around. It was about 7:40 a.m. at this point.

I proclaimed to my husband something to the effect of "I'd rather be dead than have to come here another time" as I set about filling out more paperwork.

Twenty minutes later (or was it forty minutes?) someone from the business office comes out to tell me that I have the wrong ID card for my insurance. This is the same ID card that I had used for all the other appointments over the past 30 days but, oh well. She was all aflutter with "what will we do" when I told her, "take me to a computer with internet access and I'll just go to my account and print out a new ID card". To her credit, the woman did let me do that but doncha' think that, given the fact that it's her JOB she might have been savvy enough to know that could be done.

Get the insurance card straightened out, get the paperwork filled out, by now it's about 9:00 a.m. The doctor's nurse aide came and got me and I was ushered farther into the bowels of the clinic, to the inner sanctum of an exam room. Woohoo, we're talking now.

The nurses aide proceeds to ask me the same friggin' questions that were on the papers that I already filled out. I caught myself saying "I already TOLD you" in the tone of voice that pissed off my mother the entire time I was growing up (still does) so attempted to tone it down and play nice.

FINALLY, around 9:30 the doctor comes in. A 40ish, stylish woman, nice enough, very efficient, obviously smart, yada yada. She looks at my CT scan, gives me a perfunctory exam and proclaims "you don't have mastoiditis, or any kind of infection for that matter". Doesn't know what I do have but knows that the other diagnosis was wrong.

Sends me off to have more hearing tests done by HER audiiologist. Apparently the ENT's hearing tests (that I had already paid for) weren't good enough.

I HATE hearing tests. I hate sitting there with the little button waiting for beeps that I can't hear because my hearing is so friggin bad.

After the hearing tests, I go back to the exam room and the doctor breezes in. Actually, the exam was so fast I felt like proclaiming "who was that masked man!" (remember Zorro?).

The outcome, left ear totally shot. No hearing at all and inner ear is gone. No idea why. No idea why I have this pressure in my ears. No idea why I feel like crap for five months. Doctor wants to do more tests (another MRI and CT scan) and something else that I didn't catch the name of.

Cost of that office visit: $600.00
Cost of the next office visit: $600.00
Cost of the MRI: still waiting for the exact cost but around $1,000.

This is money I DON'T have. My insurance is rudimentary with a $10,000 deductible because that's the only way I could afford any kind of insurance. As it is, the insurance is $376.00 per month.

So, in the meantime ....
The doctor mentioned that my ear pressure COULD be caused by migraines. Hmmm....the wheels in my brain start going round and round and I think "could this have anything to do with the new meds I started on in October".

Last October, in an effort to try and save money, I went off of Celexa and started taking Wellbutrin 300 because Wellbutrin 300 is available as a generic. I also got tired of feeling like a robot on Celexa.

I had wondered at the time my ears started hurting if the wellbutrin might be the cause but when three doctors said I had ear infections I dropped it. After hearing (ha, hearing, get it?) that it could be a migraine I got out my handy dandy google and started researching. Ah ha, I found some studies, studies that said that Wellbutrin 300 did, indeed cause migraines in 26% of the people who took it.

Next, I called my psychiatrist and went over the info with her and got her blessing to go off of the wellbutrin and see what happens.

Tuesday was my last wellbutrin and my ears have gotten steadily better. I've been having some pressure off and off today but I don't know how long it takes for the wellbutrin to get completely out of my system.

So, there you have it. In case you haven't been keeping score:

Five antibiotics
two steroids
one hugely WRONG diagnosis (I'm willing to forgive the diagnosis of ear infections because I could have had one going on initially)
Over $1,000 in office bills to the doctor who made the wrong diagnosis

$600.00 to the high powered specialist with the promise of owing close to another $2,000 if I have the MRI and the second office visit.

What to do?

Oh, and I was leaving the specialist threw out that there is an implant that can be done so that I would be able to hear in stereo again. The cost for that? I don't know for sure but my research shows around $30,000.

WE NEED A DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT, PEOPLE!!!!!! My preference would be Barrack Obama but I'll take Hillary Clinton if she can do something about the sorry state of health insurance in this country.

But I digress ....
I have an appointment scheduled with hotshot doctor on March 17. By that time I'm supposed to have the MRI and another CT scan but I don't even know for sure that I really need it. I do want to keep seeing her, though, because I want to pursue the possibility of the implant for my hearing.

I just don't have the money to pursue a bunch of diagnostic tests just so the doctor can cover her ass and say she's done everything possible for me. Oh, she did throw out that I "could" have a benign brain tumor. Or not.

So, hmmm, I'm digging down here trying to get out the entire whine while I'm on a roll .....digging, digging, I think that's it for now.

In the meantime, I seem to be knitting and ripping a lot. I'm still knitting "gust". I haven't put thumbs on my poor little "bird in hand" mittens and the clapotis for my sister in law accidently became the blanket for my dog, Tillie today.

Speaking of Tillie, I'll leave you with a picture of her.



That's "Queen" Tillie to you.